Miscellaneous Adventures of the Absolutely Absurd
by kremesch
Summary: Seven Years have passed and things have changed. People have changed; life has changed. The Turks and the members of Avalanche aren't who or what they used to be anymore. Instead... Continued in Summary Intro on the first page.
1. It Starts in a Mansion

Seven Years have passed and things have changed. People have changed; life has changed. The Turks and the members of Avalanche aren't who or what they used to be anymore. Instead, they're bored and their lives are dull. As a result, their minds wander in directions that are random and unthinkable while they concern themselves with irrelevant things that have absolutely no bearing on their lives or their surroundings whatsoever.

As a result, their negligence and lack of readiness leave them open to all sorts of ridiculous events that will unfold as these incidents bear absolutely no meaning on their lives and carry no lessons to be learned.

And to those who are wondering… No. This isn't a back story. It's actually really stupid and has nothing to do with anything.

Warnings: Possible same sex warnings (anything goes); possibly nothing more than innuendos and situations that hint at such warnings. Dry humour. Potty humour. Random events. Alien invasion. Unbelievable stupidity. Lack of political correctness. Insulting to one's own intelligence. And quite possibly, a clown massacre

If you're the type that is easily offended, easily confused, homophobic, squeamish, likes clowns, or is prone to bed-wetting, don't read this – It's unoriginal and full of intentional clichés that won't impress you anyway (or anyone else for that matter).

Usual disclaimer: I'm a fraud. Ideas are stolen from FFVII, Dirge of Cerberus, and Crisis Core. Characters and Worlds, items, and the microcosm all belong to Square.

Rating: M

Genre(s): Bad Humour. General

* * *

**It Starts in a Mansion**

They stood in a semi-circle at the bottom of the elegantly crafted stairs. From left to right, Rude stood beside Reno, Reno stood beside Rufus, Rufus Stood beside Elena, and Elena stood beside Tseng who happened to be standing beside no one, and at that moment, Tseng looked to his right as if he thought he might have been standing beside someone.

No one really knew what he was thinking though, and he quirked his brow to confuse matters more.

All the while, Reno wondered why they were just standing there, and Rude, strangely, looked at his watch and wondered the same thing before they both looked at each other and wondered what the other was thinking. Rufus was preoccupied with other thoughts though. He couldn't get the taste of those nasty lime-seared prawns that Tseng told him to eat over a week ago out of his mind. They were sickly creamy and it was beginning to haunt his dreams.

"Uh…" Elena finally said, and at that, Rude and Reno turned their attention to her.

Tseng and Rufus did not though. Instead, Tseng chose to look to his right and quirk his brow again, and Rufus admired the stained glass window at the top of the stairs. It was a nice stained glass window, and Rufus wanted to put every detail to memory so that he could have it re-created in his office. He didn't care that it was biblical and entirely out of place for his tastes. He only cared about the pretty colours and the way it shined when the rain drops picked up the glow of the lightning and made it sparkle. It was sheer beauty.

And he was overtaken with awe.

"Shouldn't we try to find a way out?" Elena asked. They'd already gotten what the came for. Then she, Reno, and Rude turned to the door while Tseng brushed something from his right shoulder and shuddered, and Rufus remembered that he really had to pee. He'd been holding it for so long, and he bitterly recalled Tseng telling him that he'd pull over at the next gas station.

He never did though. No. Tseng thought it would be funny to drive by one after another while offering Rufus more water to drink so that he could wash down those insanely salty chips Tseng told him to eat. "It will hold you over until we find a place to eat," Tseng told him, and every time, Rufus fell for it while wondering what it was that amused the Turk so much.

In the mean time, both Elena and Rude turned their attention to Reno and frowned at him. Reno thought it was really funny when he discovered that the door locked on the opposite side. "Heh… check it out…" he said. "Some idiot put the lock on the wrong side'a the door," he said. "What're they tryin to do?" he said, "Lock themselves in?" Then he laughed, locked the door, and let it close while they were all standing inside.

Yeah. They all thought it was real funny. But none of them were too sure about who the real idiot was.

And if they pointed the finger, Reno would have merely argued the whole 'chicken and the egg' theory again, and they were tired of that.

"Perhaps we should split up," Rufus craftily thought. That way, he'd be able to search for and sneak into one of the bathrooms to relieve himself before he exploded, and Tseng merely argued that it would be too dangerous because they didn't know where they were.

Rufus could have sworn that they were all under the same impression. They were in a very large mansion. In fact, it was Tseng that suggested they stop there so that he could satisfy his curiosity on how the old mansion was holding up, and so that he could check the mail and collect coupons while he was at it. It was supposed to be a day trip – there and back. Yet, Tseng suspiciously seemed confused over the matter. "How can you not know where we are?"

"We should go in pairs," Tseng suggested, craftily ignoring Rufus' question while Rufus continued to suspiciously regard him and wondered why Tseng would want to pair off when there was obviously an odd number of them. Exactly who would Tseng suggest to leave behind?

And why?

"What is wrong with you?" Rufus bluntly asked. Tseng had been acting strange lately, and Tseng merely quirked his brow as a flash of lightening illuminated his face in the most unnatural of ways, and Rufus wondered, _How does he do it?_

Of course, nothing was wrong with Tseng, and Tseng chose to ignore Rufus once more. The silly little peon had nothing over him and he knew it. He only chose to make it look like Rufus was the one who was in charge because it suited him and allowed him to pass the blame. Oh yes, Tseng knew differently, and he suggested that Reno and Elena take the West side of the mansion while Rude and Rufus take the East Side. Then he decided to go along with Rude and Rufus so that he could keep a better eye on Rufus, and Rufus silently cursed.

It wasn't fair. If Tseng kept his eye on him, he just wouldn't feel right, because he didn't only have to pee, and his bowels were raging and suffered from stage-fright. No. Rufus needed his privacy, and more than that, he needed a damned bathroom, and he needed one now.

There was no way he could get out of it though, and they all walked East-ward while Reno and Elena went West, and Rufus fought hard to avoid doing the pee-dance while his bowels started to cramp. He knew he shouldn't have eaten those burritos before they left – they were too spicy for his delicate system. But they smelled so damned good and Reno kept shoving them into his face while Tseng advised that eating them could do no harm.

Just then, it was as if a miracle had happened, and a blood-curdling scream – a woman's scream – filled the inner bowels of the mansion, and Tseng's first thought was _A Soprano_, before he started to run into the West-ward direction to find out what happened. In the meantime, he ordered Rude to stay behind so that Rufus wouldn't be left alone.

But when Rude turned around, Rufus was no longer there.

* * *

"Elena!" Tseng called out. He was certain it was her, and when he valiantly ran into the large empty room, he regarded her standing in the middle of the room. She was by herself and aiming her gun at the opposite wall. "What happened?" he asked. "Why did you scream?"

"It wasn't me," she said, and then Tseng quirked his brow.

_Who else could it be?_ He thought, and then he thought of how much she looked like a little porcelain doll. So fake, he thought, and then he wondered what would happen if her head cracked; would it shatter like porcelain if it hit the floor just right? Other than that though, where was Reno?

Wasn't Reno with her?

"He was crawling inside that thing and then he disappeared," she said.

And Tseng calmly looked in the direction that she was aiming at and wondered what 'thing' she was talking about. It was just a wall – a blank, boring old wall that was slightly rotten. Of course, it was nothing that a good paint job or a burning couldn't fix. But exactly what 'thing' was Elena talking about? Was she taking medication? Did she forget to take it? If so, shouldn't he have been notified that she required it in the first place?

"Wait a minute," he said, "I heard a woman scream."

"That was Reno," Elena said, and Tseng quirked his brow.

_Reno screams like a girl?_

"Yeah," Elena said, and Tseng suddenly became self-conscious of the fact that she might have been reading his mind while she nodded at the wall. "There was a fireplace there, and Reno thought it would be funny if he crawled into it – I don't really know why, and I didn't find it funny – but as soon as he got himself all curled up into it – I really don't know how he did it, Sir – it was like he tripped a switch or something and the wall turned around as if he was never there. Then he screamed like a girl."

"A girl," Tseng repeated, and decided to think about how Rude's head reminded him of a hard-boiled egg in order to stop him from laughing at the notion.

"Yes, Sir. He sounded _exactly_ like a girl… I'm worried, Sir."

"I see," Tseng responded, "You're worried that he might have been a girl all along and that he'll steal all the attention away from you if this ever gets out."

"What!" Elena asked with a great deal of shock. How could Tseng conclude such a thing? The thought of Reno ever stealing any of the attention away from her was absurd.

"It's all right. I understand. Women don't like competition; I have seven sisters."

"No!"

"Yes," Tseng admitted, and then he shuddered at the thought of how they used to dress him up and do his makeup and hair, and then force him to have tea with them.

"That's not what I meant," Elena insisted, "I mean that I'm worried about _him._"

"Yes. He is odd, isn't he?" Tseng coolly asked. All he really wanted was verification though; not really much else. Then he found his eyes wandering down her backside and fixating on a small piece of chewing gum that was stuck to her behind.

Taking it upon himself to physically remove it was risky at best. She might take it the wrong way and slap him for grabbing her ass. But then again, telling her about it might have drawn suspicion as to why he was looking there in the first place.

So he decided to do nothing and thought it would be best if they took a closer look at the wall.

In the meantime, Rufus found himself a nice little bathroom that even had a roll of unused toilet paper, and then he wondered how long toilet paper was meant to last before he stripped down to nothing and sat on the toilet.

* * *

"Sir?" Rude called out, as he tip-toed as quietly as he possibly could back into the foyer before he heard a strange mechanical sound from the room adjacent to the West side of the building. He thought he heard talking – a woman and a man – but when he opened the door, there was no one there except for an empty room with a fireplace that looked like someone or something had crawled into or out of it. Either way, he didn't find it very interesting and he felt a chill run down his spine when he considered the possibility that he might have been experiencing the first symptoms of dementia.

So he left and decided that his best course of action would be to find out what happened to Rufus. If Tseng found out that he lost the Boss, he'd have to pay with his hide, and Rude was rather attached to his hide.

"Sir?"

* * *

"Now look at what you did," Tseng grumbled as Elena looked around at the darkened room and shined her flashlight through the dusty cobwebs, "You've gotten us both trapped."

"I think this is where Reno might be, Sir."

If that was the case, Tseng wondered exactly where he was then. If he was there, why couldn't they see him or hear him? "Well he doesn't appear to be here anymore," Tseng said, and then he pushed Elena out of the way and shined his own flashlight to prove that his was far more superior.

Then he stopped when the spiral stairs at the far west corner was illuminated before he moved his flashlight to the object lying near the bottom.

"Dear Gods," he breathed out.

"What is it, Sir?"

"It's…"

"What?" She asked, and attempted to stand on her toes so she could look over his shoulder before Tseng irritably sighed and moved so that he was blocking her even more than he already was, "Let me see."

"It's too horrendous."

"Oh, Gods…" Elena Thought, as the worst thoughts ran through her empty head, "Is it Reno? Is he dead?"

"It's worse than that," Tseng hoarsely breathed out, sheer horror dripping from his tone when he finally found a voice to answer, "It's one of the worst paintings I've ever seen."

"Really? Let me see it!"

"I can't do that," Tseng said as he turned around and shined his flashlight onto her perky breasts, "I'm afraid that it's too atrocious, even for your poor taste." Then he turned off his flashlight and took Elena's from her as well. Some things were simply better left undiscovered, and he shuddered once more at the thought while telling her that, "I took the liberty of memorizing the way to those stairs and we'll just have to go this one blind."

After that, he grabbed the broomstick beside her and told her he'd guide the way. He also suggested that she should work out more. "Honestly Elena, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that your arms are like broomsticks… Watch your step."

He also wanted to compliment her on how light she was on her feet. But he just wasn't ready to share the nature of his true feelings with her yet.

_The time had to be right,_ he thought.

* * *

_Gaia…_

Rufus knew he shouldn't have eaten those burritos. His stomach was so cramped that he could have sworn those spawns of pure evil were trying to burrow their way out through his abdomen and he couldn't help but start moaning and groaning while he grimaced over the pain.

It was quite possibly one of the worst feelings he'd felt while the ring of fire viciously seared his sphincter and threatened to leave him with a bad case of haemorrhoids. He knew that he should have stopped taking Tseng's advice. Over the years, Tseng seemed to be growing more malicious towards him, and Rufus was beginning to think that it had something to do with the fact that Tseng might have discovered what he'd been doing to him all those years.

On the other hand, Rufus was unable to ask on the off chance of finding out that Tseng was completely unaware of what he'd been doing.

He knew he'd have to come clean eventually though. But the timing had to be just right.

* * *

"Sir?" Rude called again.

He was beginning to feel like he'd been going around in circles and started to second-guess his strategy. He thought he was going in the right direction. But time and time again, he kept winding up in the foyer as if he was going in circles, and to make matters worse, an eerie moaning and groaning started echoing through the great hall.

He had a bad feeling about the place. First, he recalled hearing voices in the west wing, and now he was hearing other sounds that struck him as painful and agonizing, and he was beginning to wonder if the place was haunted.

But no, he thought. Rude liked to think of himself as a logical man and he simply didn't believe in such things – Monsters, yes. But Ghosts…

No.

For a moment more, he stood there and decided that he'd simply have to drown the tormented sound out. Perhaps, maybe… If he went left instead of right next time…

But before he got the chance to act on his thoughts, something hit him on the head and temporarily knocked him out.

* * *

Fifteen seconds earlier…

…

When Tseng made it to the top of the stairs and turned his flashlight back on to valiantly smile at Elena, he realised that he'd made a mistake.

"Oh," he stammered, as he stared at the broomstick in his hand and suddenly understood why Elena had grown so quiet. He was slightly relieved though. For a while, he was beginning to think that the tiny little blonde was anorexic and wasn't exactly sure how he'd confront her with his suspicions. Then he smirked when he thought of how Elena shared the same level of wit with the object in his hands before he quickly walked out into the Foyer's upper hall and tossed it over the railing.

Best to pretend that never happened, he thought while he completely ignored the dull thud as the broom landed on the lower floor and the light on his flashlight started to fluctuate.

_Damn… Of all the times,_ he thought, and then he started to bang the flashlight against his other hand while cursing at himself for not bringing a spare set of batteries before he finally gave up and turned on Elena's puny little flashlight instead – right before she called out to him.

"Sir?" she called, and half ran and walked from the top of the stairs with a slight disorientation, "By the Gods, I thought I'd lost you."

"Likewise," Tseng coolly uttered, with a slight tone of accusation in order to cover up for his own fumbling. "I thought I trained you better than that. You should have been with me the entire time."

Then he quickly closed his eyes and silently thanked the Gods that he got rid of that accursed broom. Without it, there was absolutely no evidence.

His thoughts were cut short though, the moment a strange moaning and groaning echoed through the halls. He thought he heard something similar earlier, but he chose to ignore it when he realised he was escorting a broom into the main upper hall. After that, Tseng twisted his face in distaste and turned back to Elena to ask her, "Do you smell that?"

"Oh, Sir," she said, and tried her best not to comment on the foul gas she assumed Tseng must have passed as it wafted through the upper halls with the power to cling to anything it touched, and she tried to hold her breath while fearing the initial breath she'd have to draw in order to do so. It was absolutely putrid and she wondered what he could have possibly eaten to expel such a horror.

Tseng's great powers of observation saw where her thoughts were going though, and he quickly quirked his brow while reminding himself that he had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and outright told her, "It wasn't me."

"Of course not, Sir," Elena choked out, and took a step back before they both heard something fall over in the room they were standing near. Tseng wasn't convinced that she believed him though, and they both looked at the door.

"What could that have been?"

"The sound of something falling over", Tseng said, and then he wondered why she always had to ask such stupid questions before she decided to investigate, and Tseng turned his attention back to his failing flashlight and frowned.

It was useless now, completely dead, and he tossed it over the railing and wondered what could have possibly been down there to make everything sound so strange when it hit the ground with the same dull-sounding thud that the broomstick landed with.

* * *

Twenty seconds before Tseng gave up on his flashlight, Rude came to, he stumbled to his feet and rubbed at his head while wondering if something had hit him. Then he looked down and saw a broomstick before he wondered where it could have come from. It wasn't there before, and he quizzically picked it up to study it.

The handle was larger than that of a normal broomstick, and when Rude closed his eyes he could imagine that he was holding a bare humerus – the upper bone of an arm – and he shuddered at the morbid thoughts he was entertaining.

Then he quickly opened his eyes when he thought he heard a man and a woman talking again. It was the same high-pitched squeaky voice that Elena spoke with and it reminded Rude of someone raking their nails across a chalk board. He hated that sound, and it sent chills down his spine. The other voice was more dry and metallic, and the person speaking with it reminded Rude of someone who had absolutely no sense of humour. In fact, it reminded him of Tseng.

Maybe it was them, and he was just about to call out their names before he remembered that he didn't have Rufus with him, and he realised that Tseng wouldn't be too happy about that. He told him to keep an eye on him, and instead, he had absolutely no idea where the man was. After that, the strange moaning he heard earlier came and went again, followed by a strange, flatulent sound and what sounded like someone pouring sloppy goods into a pot of water, and a foul stench wafted through the lower halls.

_Good Gods_, Rude thought. _What kind of unholy creature could possibly emit such a stench?_ And then something hit him on the head and he fell back to the floor.

* * *

_Hm_, Tseng thought, before he finally decided that he couldn't take it anymore. Elena was such a tease and he finally had a chance to be alone with her. Rufus and Rude were exploring the East side of the mansion, Reno was missing in action as usual, and he finally had the chance to be alone with her so he could tell her how he felt about her. He figured it would be easier if he put a bag over her head, but he didn't have one.

So, instead, he turned off the flashlight right before he heard the sound of a door opening and closing and something brush by his right shoulder as it stumbled past him. Tseng felt that if he was lucky that it was only Reno, and he chose to ignore it as he walked to the door by memory, opened it, and then grabbed Elena by the arm and planted his lips onto hers.

They were so soft, welcoming, and fervent as they started to pull each others shirts out of their pants so they could run their hands along the bare backs of the other's that he suddenly didn't care that kissing her like that wasn't exactly part of his plan.

* * *

"Oh Gods!" Elena finally exclaimed when she took advantage of the dim light and beheld what was before her.

When she ran into the room to check out the noise, she realised that she couldn't see a damned thing. Tseng had her flashlight and running blindly into a darkened room wasn't exactly one of the brightest ideas she'd ever had.

Then she heard the sound of something falling from where she and Tseng were standing before it landed with a dull thud. The first thought that ran through her head was that Tseng had finally snapped and decided that he'd kill himself by jumping over the railing. He'd been acting strangely lately, almost like he was pent up with something. But she had no idea what it could possibly be, and she finally exclaimed, "Rude!"

The big man was lying at the foot of the stairs and appeared unconscious, and the thought that she managed to lose Tseng in the darkness when she went back out to find him completely slipped her mind as she ran to the big man's side. It appeared that someone had knocked him out.

But why?

* * *

In the meantime, Tseng fervently muttered out, "Oh, Elena," when he finally pulled away for air, "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this moment."

"What?"

The voice that responded was not what Tseng was expecting, and he numbly turned Elena's flashlight back on and froze. The person standing in front of him was not Elena, and the other person dumbly responded that, "Shit… You're not Elena…"

"I know that," Tseng dully replied, and despite how Reno's brilliant powers of observation irked him at times, he almost smirked as the thought of Reno screaming like a girl crossed his mind again. Other than that, he was at a complete loss for words. He couldn't even muster enough nerve to wonder how in the hell he allowed something like that to happen – perhaps going without sex for ten years was finally starting to take its toll.

On the bright side, he'd finally found Reno – Reno also appeared unharmed, much to Tseng's dismay – and he also came to the conclusion that Reno might have been harbouring the same desires for Elena that he'd been harbouring. However, he wasn't too happy about how he finally came to that conclusion.

He also wasn't too happy about having competition either. For the sake of the Gods, Elena wasn't even that attractive, as far as Tseng was concerned. The only thing she really had going for her was that she was the only accessible woman within close proximity, and Tseng felt that he could easily dominate her because she was stupid.

How pathetic and embarrassing, he thought, before he was finally relieved by the sound of Elena's voice calling out for help – _Thank the Gods._ _She actually comes in handy for something _– and was able to break the awkwardness of the situation Tseng suddenly found himself in.

But before he responded, he had to get something off his chest, and he blankly told Reno that, "This never happened," as he stood there with a complete lack of emotion and stared at the man like he was staring into a parallel universe that held absolutely no appeal whatsoever to him.

And Reno thankfully responded like the dumb-ass Tseng always suspected that he was and said, "What never happened?"

* * *

As Tseng and Reno ran down the stairs to find Elena hunched over Rude while they both hurriedly tucked their shirts back in, Rufus finally decided that he could expel no more and reached for the toilet paper while thinking it would be a good idea to use the hand lotion sitting on the counter when he was done. His hands were always so dry after he washed them, and it was a dirty job he was about to embark on, but someone had to do it.

At that moment, Tseng suddenly noticed that Rufus was nowhere to be seen.

_Dear Gods, _Tseng thought, _Elena killed Rude!_

Then he wondered if it was because Rude tried to come on to her and he was slightly relieved that he'd kissed Reno instead. It may have been embarrassing, but it was better than being dead, and he asked, "Where's Rufus?" in order to cover up the fact that he was concerned about something completely irrelevant.

He was certain that Rufus wouldn't have tried to kill Rude. That would have been too stupid, even for Rufus. After all, Rude was the perfect size to hide behind if someone aimed their gun at you. He was far more valuable to waste in a situation such as that than to mindlessly murder when there was obviously no threat in sight.

It simply made no sense to Tseng, and he stepped closer as Elena reached over and picked up the ridiculously large flashlight lying on the floor beside Rude and wondered, "I wonder what happened?"

"It would appear that Rude was hit with a flashlight in the foyer," Tseng coolly responded, and then he inconspicuously kicked that accursed broom away while he clasped his hands behind his back. One incident was bad enough, and he was slightly thankful that she hadn't turned the flashlight around to see Tseng's initials written on it as he grabbed it from her and said that, "I'll take that. It may prove to be valuable evidence."

And he certainly didn't want any valuable evidence lying around that could point the finger in his direction. So he tossed it away when Rude groaned and everyone focussed on the big man as he came to and tried to stumble to his feet again.

Elena offered to help him and Tseng quickly covered his mouth to hide the laugh that almost escaped. The mere thought of Elena helping Rude to his feet was preposterous. If he fell over, he'd crush her like a milk carton. Not to mention that the woman couldn't even carry a bag of groceries, never mind lift a man that was overly sized from the obvious use of too many steroids.

However, Tseng's amusement was curbed the moment Elena asked Rude what happened and he mentioned that something hit him – twice. Then he hazily looked around as if he was looking for the evidence before he spotted his sunglasses and put them back on. At that moment, they all heard the familiar sound of a toilet flushing and then Rufus screaming as if he was trapped.

It brought back memories, and Tseng almost laughed again as he reminisced over how he used to stand outside the bathroom door and hold it shut while Rufus tried to get out when he was just a child.

* * *

By the time they found the door that Rufus was behind, they discovered it was locked, and Tseng shouted at Rufus to unlock the door as a filthy brown liquid ran from under the small gap at the bottom. It was foul-smelling and chunky, and they all stepped back as if they were horrified while Rufus explained that he couldn't open the door because his hands were too slippery.

_Slippery?_ Tseng thought, and then he thought the unthinkable while he silently asked himself, _Why in the names of the Gods would he choose to do something like that now?_

Then Rufus explained that he put too much hand lotion on. He hadn't thought far enough ahead to open the door first. Then he flushed the toilet and he could swear that the Gods were against him. Of course, it could have had something to do with the building being old and the plumbing being shoddy, in which case, Rufus felt a good burning might fix the problem. He also decided that now would be a good time to stop taking Tseng's advice before he trailed off into the whole 'cause and effect' theory in regards to alternate realities and how mako fusion could make it all possible…

Rufus liked to talk.

Tseng suspected that he liked to talk simply because he liked the sound of his own voice. It was like a boring melody that played over and over until it started to haunt Tseng's dreams, and Tseng rolled his eyes into the back of his head so he could feel something other than the pain of Rufus' voice floating aimlessly through his skull.

He never bothered to tell Rufus. But after awhile, that man's words just turned into illegible sentences while Tseng's mind would wander towards things that had absolutely nothing to do with what Rufus was talking about, and they all took another step back as the foul liquid crept farther out from under the door.

Then Tseng took a moment to turn to Elena and quirk his brow as if to say, 'I told you it wasn't me.'

There was no way Tseng could pass gas that foul. The mere thought would have been laughable if Tseng had so much of an inkling to find something like that funny. Then he told Rufus to step away from the door and pulled out his gun so he could valiantly save the day.

Tseng liked to save the day. It made everyone else around him appear less competent and helped him to maintain his falsely attained level of prestige.

* * *

When the door was finally opened, Tseng stood there horrified as the other Turks took another step back, and Rufus put on his icy glare to pretend that he had nothing to be ashamed of. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he was in a hurry to leave though, and Tseng exclaimed in shock as he stared at the overflowing toilet, "Who's garter belt is that?"

_Gods_, Rufus thought. He really hated Tseng sometimes and silently willed him to drop dead.

He got dressed in such a hurry so that he could get back to the others in hopes that no one would have noticed he'd gone missing in the first place and must have overlooked it. He wore so many damned clothes.

Then Tseng hypnotically stepped into the bathroom while ignoring the brown liquid on the floor – it was nothing in comparison to other things he'd stepped in – and they all stood there in horror while they watched him in awe as he slowly picked the slightly soaked garter belt up with the tip of his gun and looked at it like it was the most curious thing he'd ever beheld.

It was a shocking red with pretty frills and lace, and he nearly touched it with his bare hand before he remembered where he'd found it.

_Could this be Elena's?_ He thought, before he concluded, _No… It's too big…_ And he didn't recall her going to the bathroom. Then he turned his attention to Rufus who was staring back at him with a look that said, 'I'll kill you,' and Tseng mockingly smirked.

The mere thought of Rufus killing anyone was laughable.

Sure. Rufus knew how to scare people. And he carried a big gun. But Tseng knew for sure that Rufus was a terrible shot. He had a nice gun. Yes. He had a very nice gun. But how many times did he shoot at Cloud and miss? Tseng wondered. With a gun like that, he should have had no problem killing Cloud, and then he wondered how many times did Rufus shoot at that peon – Kadaj – of a remnant and miss? Sure, he was falling from a building at the time, but he should have at least nicked the kid once with the number of bullets he sprayed into the building.

And then Tseng suddenly wondered, _Did Rufus even hit the building?_

Yes. The mere thought of Rufus killing _anyone_ was utterly laughable, and Tseng had to quickly think of something less amusing in order to keep himself from bursting out laughing.

Unfortunately, thinking of Reno in a garter belt suddenly struck Tseng as a little more amusing than he thought it would, and he quickly dropped the garter belt into the toilet before coldly stating that, "We should leave."


	2. They Come From the Closet

**They Come From the Closet**

* * *

Tseng sat in his office and tapped his fingers on his desk. The sun was bright outside and caused a blinding glare from the white papers scattered about. All the while, the robins outside his window were cheerfully singing. It gave him a headache as he stared at the other papers on his floor – the warm breeze from outside blew them off his desk and he wound up using his gun as a paperweight. Then he stared at his gun and wondered how much meat was on the tiny birds outside.

He'd forgotten his lunch that day and he figured that with the right combination of garlic, balsamic vinegar, rosemary and olive oil – and perhaps a skewer or two – that he might be able to pass them off as some kind of foreign cuisine. Of course, he'd get Rufus to try it first though. If he claimed that it was some forgotten recipe from Banora, Rufus would surely try it, and then he could judge from there whether he'd be willing to try it himself.

He sighed at the thought and stared at his gun. Life was so dull lately and there was absolutely nothing for them to do but run around and find pointless ways to pass their time. Going to the mansion to find coupons in the mail was about the only excitement they'd had in months, and Tseng wasn't too sure if it was really all that exciting. About the only thing he was sure of was that Reno was a very good kisser, but he wasn't too sure about what he thought about it in regards to how he made that discovery.

He needed to get out. He needed to find something to do. Most of all, he needed a woman. _Ten years,_ he thought, and then he thought that it might have been driving him crazy.

It made no sense, really. He was a good looking man – distinguished, perhaps. He had intense brown eyes that were so dark they were almost black. His gaze was piercing and intimidating and he was sure that women liked that. He was sure that women liked men that were confident and strong. Yet every time he asked one out, they would shy away. What made matters worse was that the ones that did accept his advances often stood him up, and it made absolutely no sense to him.

He was well-to-do and keenly frugal. He collected coupons and watched for the right deals before he'd spend his money.

His clothes were always neatly pressed and clean. His hair was always neatly combed and he felt he used the right conditioner. He finally found one that made his black hair incredibly smooth and silky, and it was nice to the touch – he loved to run his hands through it and skilfully managed to cover up that fact by simply making it appear as if he was brushing it back from his face. He also liked the way the sun picked up its shine and he had no idea exactly how vain he was.

As for his face, he felt he had a rather handsome face. He was clean-shaven and rarely smiled so that he could avoid developing premature lines. He believed it helped him appear as if he were sophisticated and serious. Surely, women liked serious men; it meant they were in charge. He also tried to stay out of the sun to help ensure that his skin wouldn't prematurely age; it also helped to maintain that milky white complexion that he was sure most people envied.

He was a stunning sight – in his eyes – and he had absolutely no idea why it wasn't getting him anywhere.

Of course, he could always pay for it. But Tseng was far too cheap to even consider such a thing and nearly chuckled at the passing thought.

Yes. Life was boring lately.

Almost Seven years had passed since all the excitement left his life. Genesis was dead, Sephiroth was dead… those annoying remnants were dead, and he was a little happy about the latter. They were annoying as hell, especially that younger one, and they beat him up rather badly too. Tseng preferred to sweep that one under the rug, and then he sighed at the thought of how they completely missed out on the whole 'Omega' incident involving that lovesick Valentine.

Honestly, Tseng thought, Lucrecia wasn't even that good looking. About the only thing she had going for her were those legs of hers, and he highly suspected that she knew it when he considered the short skirt she always wore, along with those nice black heels.

_Hm_, Tseng thought. She had nothing over Rosso though – Rosso was hot. He'd only seen pictures of her and he was a little disappointed that he never got the chance to meet her and get beaten up by her.

That would have been exciting. She was a fiery looking vixen, almost like something out of a comic book.

It was a shame that someone as good-looking as her turned out to be such a bad egg, and then Tseng wondered if there were any eggs in the fridge and hoped that if there were that they hadn't gone bad.

Or perhaps he could just go to the Seventh heaven for lunch. It was probably safer than trusting anything in that fridge anyway. Tseng only bought it because it was cheap.

* * *

Rufus sat in his office and drearily stared at the blank wall ahead of him. He'd closed his blinds because it was too bright outside, and he closed the window because the sound of those irritating birds was starting to give him a headache. Life was so dull lately and he wasn't too sure about how much more of it he could take. He missed the excitement of the days long passed, and he was well-aware of how it was affecting his Turks, particularly Tseng.

Rufus was really starting to worry about Tseng, and it was an odd feeling. He didn't normally concern himself with anyone but himself. But truth be told, he was beginning to suspect that the Director of the Turks was about to snap, and he wasn't too sure if that would be such a good thing. Tseng had been doing such odd things lately, and obsessing over the strangest things too, like that garter belt for instance.

Rufus had no idea where it came from – his pocket, maybe – but he did recognise it and the way Tseng looked at him he could have sworn that Tseng was under the impression that he was the one who was wearing it. Honestly, Rufus thought, lace was far too scratchy for him to even consider wearing.

At times, Rufus even felt like Tseng was harbouring some kind of resentment towards everyone around him, and he was beginning to wonder if he was to blame.

Normally, Rufus wouldn't have cared. But there was something about the way that Tseng looked at him when they were in that mansion, and it wasn't the first time. There was something so incredibly mocking and hateful, and it was quite possible that the only reason it concerned Rufus was because he didn't like being laughed at.

Nor did he like the idea of his Director going insane and taking it out on him.

Tseng was such a mean and ghastly looking man and he really needed to get out in the sun, and Rufus always mused over the idea that Tseng's eyes were as black as his soul – that was what he always liked about the man, actually. Tseng was such an asshole that Rufus always felt he could rely on him for the absolute worst, and above all, he envied him passionately for it.

No one else would do the things that Tseng would do, and Rufus often wondered how in the hell Tseng was able to do it. He always looked so focused, and Rufus often found himself wondering exactly what went through that man's mind.

Perhaps, if he took him out for lunch, he could learn a thing or two…

* * *

Rude sat at the bar at the Seventh Heaven while Elena went to the bathroom, and he mused over how dull his life had been lately. About the only excitement they had was when they went to that mansion and Tseng looked at that garter belt like he thought Rufus was the one who was wearing it. Rude almost started to laugh over the idea before he realised that it would have been embarrassing to burst out laughing while he was sitting by himself at a public bar.

All the while, Cloud sat slouched in his chair in a dark corner with his arms crossed over his chest and watched him. The Turks were hardly a threat anymore – they never really were, actually. Shinra was nothing but a joke and the Turks merely came to the bar to get drunk during work hours – much like it appeared they were already doing.

On the chair beside Rude were four packages that appeared to be from a tailor. Cloud only knew that much because he was the one who'd delivered them – his life was so dull lately and he missed the days where he gloriously chased after Sephiroth, and both times, he got to stab his sword into him, over and over until it was finally done.

Yes. Cloud loved to stab his sword into Sephiroth – it made him feel good.

But now, he had nothing to make him feel good, and he continued to stare at the dark man by the bar. He had a muscular body, and Cloud mused that Sephiroth had a muscular body too. However, Rude was bigger and his dark skin made his body look harder and firmer than Sephiroth's pasty looking body. Sure, Sephiroth had a nice chest, but he really should have gotten out more, perhaps into the sun.

On the other hand, Cloud wasn't too sure if Sephiroth would have looked very good with a tan, and as he mused over that thought, Elena came out of the bathroom and walked into Tifa.

Life had been so dull for Elena lately, and about the only excitement she had was when her and Reno had sex in Tseng's office over two hours ago. But it wasn't that great. She always thought he'd be better than that and she was rather disappointed. About the only exciting thing she recalled about it was when Reno called out Tseng's name near the end and she thought it was because the Director had walked in on them.

She hadn't seen Reno since then and probably would have wondered why, but her thoughts were cut short the moment she walked into Tifa because she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings and wound up helping her clean up the mess from the tray she knocked out of Tifa's hands.

All the while, Elena thought about how motherly Tifa's breasts felt when she accidentally brushed against them; they were so soft, and Tifa considered the fact that Elena kind of looked like a pretty little boy in that suit. It was a black suit, complete with a tie, and all the Turks wore the exact same uniform. But Tifa suddenly wondered why Elena wore it too.

She was a girl, wasn't she?

Weird, Tifa thought. Even Elena's fine blonde hair was short, and Tifa was starting to wonder why.

* * *

Life had been so dull lately, and Reno laid, sprawled out on his office floor and stared at the ceiling. He was so bored that he couldn't even think of anything to do. Looking at the naked pictures of Yuffi that Cid posted on the internet got old real fast, and he thought that having sex with Elena in Tseng's office would have spiced things up a little bit. But all it did was scare the shit out of him when he thought he heard someone about to open the door and he blurted out Tseng's name in a fit of panic before he quickly tried to think of where he could hide.

It was a false alarm though, and he was thankful about that. He wasn't too sure about how Tseng would have reacted if he'd walked in at that moment. He also concluded that he probably wouldn't be sleeping with Elena again either.

She wasn't really all he thought she was cracked up to be, and he never considered how much her tiny little body would freak him out. Her neck was so small for her head that all he could think about was snapping it off by accident. He didn't even care that he didn't get to finish.

In a way, he was relieved, and he let out a heavy sigh while he continued to stare at the ceiling since there really wasn't anything else to do. All the good times were gone. The good old days of dropping plates on top of cities and blowing things up showed no promise of ever returning.

He thought he could try to liven things up a little by crawling into the fireplace at the mansion. But instead, all he wound up doing was screaming like a girl when he turned on his flashlight and beheld that awful painting at the foot of the spiral staircase.

_Who would have painted such a thing?_

It was so wrong in so many ways that Reno couldn't quite put his finger on it. The lines and the colours were so off that he figured a blind man could have done a better job. Then he shuddered at the thought before he shuddered again at the thought that he made out with Tseng after that.

Gods, he really hoped that it never got out, and he was slightly thankful that Tseng appeared to feel the same way. In fact, he almost laughed at the thought. Tseng was so pale and looked like he was harbouring a level of thought less than what a chocobo was capable of. It was like watching a Dual Horn frozen in the headlights right before it got its head blown off for not moving.

Reno missed blowing things up. He and Rude used to do it all the time.

Gods, life was so boring lately; Reno was beginning to consider that blowing his own head off would help to liven things up a little.

But the problem with that idea was that Reno was kind of attached to his head.

* * *

Tseng hadn't moved for over an hour. He continued to tap his fingers on his desk while he stared at the gun and thought about what he was going to do for lunch. All the while, the birds continued to chirp cheerfully outside his window and the breeze continued to blow the papers around on the floor.

He supposed he could have picked them up by now. But he just hadn't gotten around to doing it yet. In fact, he hadn't gotten around to doing anything other than wonder how on earth he allowed himself to kiss Reno. It was absolutely absurd, he thought. Even if it actually was Elena, it still wasn't something he would have normally done and he had no idea what came over him to make him do such a thing.

Well, he supposed it could have been worse. It could have been Rufus or Rude, and that thought made him outright shudder as he heard Rufus' typical arrogant and obnoxious knock on his door. Then he rolled his eyes back and bitterly uttered out, "Enter."

He hated Rufus and he had no idea why. It wasn't always like that. They used to get along so well. But lately, Tseng was feeling like he hated everyone. Well, that was almost normal for him. But to hate Rufus was strange and brought about such a strong bitterness that it was almost foreign to him.

It was so strange and he wasn't exactly sure what he thought of it just yet.

In a way, he kind of liked it and found it liberating.

* * *

Cloud figured that he thought of Sephiroth a little too much and wondered if it was because he was a clone of Sephiroth. Of course, he looked absolutely nothing like Sephiroth. He had more colour and styled his blonde hair more fashionably. He liked it spiked all over the place and felt like it made him look cool, and he felt that he was so cool that he didn't even care that people often compared him to a chocobo.

He also had prettier eyes than Sephiroth.

They were big and round and blue, and they were deceptively innocent. At that thought, he narrowed his deceptively innocent eyes and glared at Tifa. She was such a bitch and he hated her. He hadn't spoken to her for two years now because of what she last said to him, and the only reason he still came around was because Rude came around, and Cloud liked to think that Rude could be a suitable replacement for Sephiroth as far as being pissed off by him went.

Anyway, that Tifa thought she was so high and mighty with her big breasts that Elena kept staring at, and those big brown eyes of hers reminded him of a Dual Horn calf that she pissed him off too.

"Bitch," he muttered under his breath, as he remembered the exact last words that she spoke to him:

"_God, Cloud… You're such a pussy!"_

He couldn't believe the sheer nerve that she possessed, and he pulled out his sword and was going to kill her but she punched him in the face so hard that she broke his nose while his sword fell from his grasp and landed on his toes before it noisily clanged on the floor as he danced around in agony.

Yeah. He hated her so much that he got up and walked behind the bar and stood on the mess that Elena was helping Tifa clean so that he could piss her off for no logical reason that he could think of. Then he coldly stared at Rude and purposefully pushed the tray of nuts that Rude was eating from onto the floor so he could watch the big man bend over and pick them up.

Life was so dull lately, and thanks to Rude, a little spice entered Cloud's life when Rude merely finished his beer as if he couldn't have cared less and then punched Cloud in the face.

* * *

Rufus' initial intention was to invite Tseng out for lunch. But when he entered Tseng's office that was offensively blinding by the sunlight that glared off of the white papers all over the floor and he noticed the embittered look in Tseng's eyes while he stared at his gun, he changed his mind.

Perhaps he should come clean, he thought. This was simply going too far.

But first, Rufus had to ask a personal question.

"Tseng?" he said, while the Director ignored him and continued to stare at his gun while wondering what key lime pie tasted like. He'd never tried it and wondered if he could build up enough nerve to try something new. Then he thought that NERVE would be an interesting name for an enemy – so much better than _AVALANCHE_.

Now, that was a pathetic name, he thought.

"Tseng?" Rufus said again, a little more seriously this time, and then he chanced a step closer to Tseng's desk.

"Yes?"

"Which one of your sisters do you think is most-likely to wear a red garter belt?"

"Pardon?" Tseng asked, before he gave it serious thought and discovered that he wasn't sure. He couldn't picture any of his sisters in such a garment, nor did he want to, and he simply answered without thinking that, "I have no idea."

_Damn_, Rufus thought. At this rate, he was never going to discover which one of his sisters it was that he slept with.

If only he wasn't so drunk that night.

"Why?" Tseng finally asked, and then Rufus decided that there was no turning back now. He definitely had to come clean. Otherwise, he'd never know which one it was.

However, When Tseng grabbed him by the wrist and literally commenced to throw him out the third-story window, Rufus thanked the Gods that he never got the chance to tell him the other thing that he thought he should tell him. Perhaps he wasn't ready to hear it just yet.

And Tseng felt good.

He felt good for maybe about a micro-second. Then he remembered that they were in a public building and that there were people outside. Someone might see. Or worse yet, someone might try to save Rufus.

Well, Tseng couldn't have someone else stealing the limelight and he quickly grabbed Rufus by the same arm he almost tossed him out with and yelled out so everyone could hear as his boss dangled from the window, "Don't worry, Sir! I'll save you!"

Then he pulled him back into his office and threatened him with his eyes.

Well, Rufus wasn't about to let himself be intimidated by one of his very own employees, so he returned the threatening look and Tseng almost burst out laughing.

_By the Gods,_ Rufus thought. He wasn't sure if he'd ever seen Tseng choke on his own laughter before.

And Tseng thought, _I'll just have to kill him later… Perhaps when there aren't as many people around…_

Then he offered, "Lunch?"

And Rufus nodded because he was hungry.

* * *

Cid's life was so dull lately that he thought it would be amusing to show Vincent the naked pictures of Yuffi he posted on the internet. She wasn't a kid anymore, but she still kind of looked like a boy, and Cid liked to point out how tiny her breasts were before Vincent finally covered his mouth and ran to the bathroom so he could throw up.

Something was wrong with Cid, that much, Vincent was sure of, and Cid was pretty sure that something was wrong with Vincent. He just couldn't figure out what it was.

He didn't really care either, and he smiled at himself as he clicked on the next picture.

Yuffi was so stupid, he thought.

Good thing she was a cheap drunk.

Vincent wasn't so amused though. The thought of Yuffi naked was enough to give him nightmares, and now that he'd seen pictures, it was no longer just a thought. Then he sighed and wiped his face with his sleeve before he picked a few chunks from his hair as he sombrely walked outside.

Yuffi looked nothing like Lucrecia, and that made him sad.

So, he sat on Cid's porch and picked up the cockroach that was crawling through the dirt and thought of how its eyes reminded him of Lucrecia.

_Lucrecia…_ he thought, as he torturously picked the wings and legs off the defenceless cockroach and then slowly squished it in his fist while relinquishing in the subtle crunching sound. _Forgive me…_

If only she was still alive, he could kill her himself, and then he looked at the wheat field behind Cid's house and thought of how it reminded him of Lucrecia's hair. It was soft and brown, just like hers, and he looked at the lawn mower beside Cid's house.

He really felt like he needed her forgiveness. The thoughts he harboured for her were unbearable as he got up and started walking through the tall grass in Cid's back yard and wondered if there was any gas in Cid's lawnmower. He'd mow down that whole field if he had to, just like he'd mow her down, he thought. He'd kill her if she was still alive, and then he stepped on Cid's rake and got smacked in the face by it.

At that moment, Vincent wished his life had been dull…

When Cid saw the stick fly from the ground to hit Vincent in the face, he almost freaked out.

_Gods, _he thought, _is he gonna mow my fuckin lawn?_

_Why the fuck would he do that?_

It took him years to grow that grass, and he was literally terrified of what he might find in there. After all, Shera had been missing for a while now and no one knew where she was, and just as Cid ran out to stop Vincent from doing the unthinkable, Vincent turned around and stepped on Cid's hoe.

* * *

Yuffi was thinking her life had been dull lately. That was, until she got on the internet to see if a search for her name would bring anything up. Sadly, there was a man in Mideel named Yuffi, but there was nothing about her. Then she decided to look up 'Boys in Drag' and realised that her life really wasn't as dull as she suddenly wished it was.

She also decided that she'd never show her face in public again.

On the other hand, she decided that she could always hunt Cid down and kill him.

"Just'a couple'a drinks," he said, "Don't tell me yer afraid of a couple'a drinks," he said, "Yer a grown woman," he said. Then he laughed and called her a cheap drunk before inviting her back to his place.

He told her the pictures were just for him.

She'd kill him, she thought, and then she stormed out of the cafe with her head down so she could get the hell away from the public eye.

At that very moment, Reno decided he was hungry and frowned because he forgot his lunch.

* * *

"You remember Tifa?" Rufus asked as he and Tseng walked towards the pub, and then he started to babble again and Tseng decided to drown him out.

_Of course I remember Tifa you idiotic peon, _he thought, and he reminisced over the fact that she had big breasts.

Tseng liked big breasts.

Then he opened the door and closed it in Rufus' face as he was about to follow while not paying attention. _That's what you get for talking so much,_ Tseng thought, and then he quirked his brow at Cloud lying on the floor as if he were out cold.

He must have slipped on those nuts, Tseng thought, and then he inconspicuously pushed Rufus towards them while telling him to order him a hamburger and silently hoped that Rufus would slip on them too, and Rufus felt that Tseng had an awful lot of nerve.

If only he could be as much of an asshole as Tseng was…

Oh, but Rufus deserved it. Tseng was sure of that. A year ago, he never would have thought of acting the way that he was towards Rufus. But then again, a year ago, Tseng was a different person, and to his knowledge, Rufus didn't sleep with any of his sisters back then.

Yes. Things changed, and after Tseng sat down so he could view the entire pub, he stared at Tifa's breasts and wondered what Elena was doing behind the bar. Was she so stupid that she didn't even know who she worked for anymore? Gods. Maybe Tseng had just evolved to the next level, whatever that was, and he turned his attention to Rufus and willed him to drop dead.

_Sleep with my sister, _he thought, and he didn't even bother to wonder which one it was as he slouched in his chair the moment Reno walked in. _Gods._ And then he decided to will Reno to drop dead instead.

* * *

Lunch went rather smoothly when they all silently agreed to ignore Tseng's sullen mood. They were growing used to it and Reno assumed it was because of what happened at the mansion, and Rufus assumed that it was because he slept with Tseng's sister. Rude, on the other hand, didn't even notice. He was still sitting at the bar and he was still pissed off because Cloud knocked his nuts on the floor.

Something was wrong with that kid, Rude thought. It was like he was frustrated or something, and he kept trying to pick a fight with Rude. He was always deliberately pushing things over around him and it was really starting to piss Rude off.

In the meantime, Cloud came to just as Tifa caught herself checking Elena out, and the moment Elena turned around, Tifa punched her in the face.

She had to do it. She had to cover up the fact that she was picturing Elena naked, and Tseng suddenly perked up. He hadn't seen two women 'go at it' for some time now, and he had to admit that he found it rather arousing as they tore at each other's clothes, flipped over the bar, screamed, and rolled around on the floor. On the other hand, he wasn't exactly too sure about which one he should cheer on.

Tifa had big breasts, and he liked that. But Elena worked for him and was probably more accessible, and he found himself facing a dilemma as he suddenly turned his attention to Reno and unconsciously pictured him naked.

Well, that did it. Tseng's lunch was officially ruined, and he put his half eaten hamburger down and told Reno that he wished he'd drop dead. Then he left.

"What was that about?" Rufus asked, slightly thankful that he wasn't the only one Tseng was pissed off at, and Reno shrugged.

He had absolutely no idea.

During that time, Cloud stumbled to his feet and glared at Rude's back as the black man watched the two women fighting on the floor while they pulled at each other's hair. Rude could have sworn they were both tougher than that and wondered if time had softened them.

Cloud, on the other hand, could have cared less and silently hoped that Elena would kill Tifa. That bitch had it coming, and then his eyes wandered down Rude's backside and paused before he stepped up to the bar behind him and ordered some chocolate cake.

In the meantime, Yuffi stopped at an expensive wig shop and thought that blonde would be a nice change from her short black hair. Maybe she'd take a risk and go for something curly too.

* * *

A couple of hours later, all the Turks met in Tseng's office and Rude placed the packages that Cloud delivered to him at the bar onto Tseng's desk. Of course, Rude didn't really know why he had to receive the packages at the bar. But given the fact that it was Tseng that arranged it, he wasn't about to question it either. Besides, he got a few beers and got to watch two women 'go at it'. Then he turned to Elena and stared at her.

She'd looked better, Rude thought. But then again, he could understand why she didn't look that great, and his eyes wandered over her uniform while he silently hoped that she had more than one uniform. Tseng did the same.

What a disgrace, he thought. If he thought that she looked awful before, then he was obviously not considering how much worse she could look. He didn't even think a paper bag would fix the problem that time around and he was almost thankful that the day was almost over so that he wouldn't have to look at her again for the rest of the day.

He was almost sorry he had to call them into his office and wondered if an explosion could fix the problem. Then his eyes wandered from Reno to Rude and back to Reno as he silently wondered, when _was_ the last time they blew something up?

It must have been years by now, and he got up and handed the packages to each of the Turks while explaining that they were their new uniforms before he handed the last one to Elena and he paused in front of her while thinking, _Thank the Gods._

He wasn't really sure if it would be enough though, and as he listened to them open their packages, he briefly considered that it might have been a good idea if he included a bag for her to stick over her head, and then he briefly wondered how offended she might be, and how long would it take her to get over it?

"Uh…" Reno stammered, as Tseng stood with his back to them and stared out his window. The sun was still shining and the birds were still singing. It was a lovely day, he thought – he got to see two women try to beat each other up – and nothing could possibly ruin that, "Sir?"

"Yes, Reno?" Tseng peacefully asked as he stood with his back to him.

"I… uh…" Reno stammered again, "Think there's been a mistake…"

Reno and his mistakes, he sarcastically thought. What could it possibly be? he sarcastically thought. Too Big? Too Small? Not _cool _enough? And then he turned around and froze as Reno held up the maid's outfit and explained that, "There ain't no way I'm wearin this shit."

_Good Gods,_ Tseng thought, _There's no way he could ever pull that off!_

Then Rude laughed, and Reno sneered when Rude finally chortled out, "Can you imagine him wearing that?"

Tseng did. For a brief moment, the thought crossed his mind. But then he concluded that Reno's knees were far too knobbly and his legs were far too hairy to ever be able to pull something like that off. Perhaps something longer and less frilly, he wondered. Something that draped over his unsightly body might look better.

Then he snatched the outfit from Reno's hands and snapped, "There's obviously been some sort of mistake!"

Unfortunately, when he grabbed the order and looked over it to prove that the mistake was on the tailor's end, he quickly dismissed them all without any explanations.

* * *

Tseng was losing it. Tseng was sure of it, and as he walked home and thought about how different his life could have been, something crashed down from the sky and totalled his house.

He was slightly thankful that he didn't actually enter his house first, and he was also thankful that the place was a dump to begin with. He was far too frugal to waste good money on a good home, and he was a little peeved that he was going to have to waste good money on a place to stay for the night while he stared at the flames that began devouring his house like kindling and he sighed.

Then he walked away with his briefcase in his hand and wondered how Rosso would have looked with Tifa's breasts. Actually, he imagined them a bit bigger than Tifa's breasts.

At that moment, Cloud was still thinking about how pissed off he was about Rude punching him in the face. All he wanted was to watch him bend over. Then he thought of Sephiroth again and remembered how pasty his skin was. Cloud was more into darker skin. He liked dark skin – the darker the better. It just seemed smoother and more flattering than pasty white skin. They also made nicer looking babies even though Cloud didn't like babies – he hated it when they screamed with those toothless orifices that reminded him of saggy old men without their dentures.

Then he glanced at Tseng's house as he walked by it without so much of a thought and wondered if the Director had finally snapped and decided to set his own house on fire. After that, he glared at Tifa as she walked by him.

_Bitch, _he thought, and Tifa ignored him while thinking of how nice it would have been if Aerith was still alive, and maybe even Zack. Wouldn't that be nice? They could finally be together and everyone could be happy for them.

Elena, on the other hand, came running out to watch Tseng's house burn as he walked away. _Gods, _she thought, _He set his house of fire!_

And then she thought about how Genesis liked to set things on fire. She never knew him. But from what she recalled other's saying, he liked Fire Materia, or was it Summon Materia? Oh, Elena didn't really care. All she really did care about was that Genesis was hot and that he wore red, and that he kind of reminded her of fire.

She'd shag him for sure.

"Oh look! A kitty!" she exclaimed, and then she knelt down to pet the kitty while wondering if Genesis would have liked cats too. They had such cute little faces with cute little teeth and big green eyes that she really doubted they'd get along if he didn't like cats.

At that particular point in time, Rufus opened the blinds to his office window and stared at Tseng's burning house. _He's finally snapped, _Rufus thought. But he wasn't too sure about why Tseng would set his own house on fire. Surely he'd have realised that such an action would cost him money, and Rufus was well-aware of how cheap Tseng was.

He also thought it would have made more sense for Tseng to set his own home on fire to get back at him for sleeping with his sister.

Of course, Rufus wouldn't have liked that. But it would have made more sense.

During all of that time, five unidentified creatures scanned the minds of the passers-by and crawled out from the rubble at the back of Tseng's burning home from where his bedroom closet used to be, and Reno was passed out in a ditch in the middle of nowhere while Rude was in his home on the other side of town cooking pasta. He liked pasta. He liked his pasta saucy. So he made lots.


	3. Some of Them Pass Out at the End

**Some of them Pass Out at the End**

* * *

That night, Tseng slept on an uncomfortable bed in a cheap Motel and dreamt of Reno in a Wutainese ceremonial gown. It was a pretty gown, and Reno did it absolutely no justice. Reno, on the other hand, didn't have any dreams – at least none that he could recall – and Rude suspected that he had a bad case of indigestion and couldn't sleep at all.

He was beginning to fear that he was developing a sensitivity to tomatoes and he wound up worrying about it for the rest of the night. Rufus, however, did what he always did. He sat in his leather recliner and stared at the blank wall until he passed out. He wanted to be ready for when Tseng finally came to kill him, but he could never stay awake passed eleven.

Tseng knew that though, and the sheer notion to think that Tseng didn't know was just plain idiotic as far as Tseng was concerned. Elena, however, was about as carefree as Reno. Only, she was conscious and playing with the neighbour's cat until it hissed at her and ran away.

_Stupid cat, _Elena thought, and she stared at the porch it ran under and failed to notice the five slimy creatures crawling behind her while one of them stopped and curiously regarded her before it proceeded to catch up to the others as they crawled by her house, passed her backyard, and passed the neighbour's house. Then they crossed the next couple of streets and a neglected shrub, and stopped in an abandoned warehouse where they began to spasm and pulsate grotesquely as they grew larger in size.

It would have been disturbing to watch if anyone was there to see it. But since no one was around, it wasn't that bad.

* * *

Tseng hated mornings, and he hated them even more when he missed out on his morning coffee. But he supposed it was his own fault for renting a room at such a cheap Motel, and he probably should have been thankful that there was a coffee room in their office. However, he wasn't. Tseng wasn't the thankful type, and he sat at his desk while Reno sat in the chair on the other side while wondering what the big deal was as he took a small sip from his cup.

"It's not like anyone will ever notice," Tseng explained. "And I don't see why it's such a big deal." Tseng knew that Reno would just do what he always did and that no one would ever notice anyway. It was just something Reno would do. He'd forget his tie and refuse to tuck his shirt in or even bother doing it up.

But Reno felt it was a big deal, and it was mostly because it was embarrassing. He was the only Turk without a new uniform and it wasn't fair, and all the while, Tseng drank his coffee and mused over how much Reno bitched about everything. In fact, he finally came to the conclusion that it was what Reno did best – he bitched.

_Bitch, bitch, bitch…_Tseng thought, and then he took another sip of his black coffee and savoured the bitter taste of Rufus' least favourite brand. Tseng bought it on purpose. He always did. Every single time Rufus sent him to buy coffee, he'd come back with that brand and tell him that they were all sold out of the other brands.

It made him feel good, and then he took another sip before he sat straighter and leaned forward. _To hell with it, _he thought. He spent all day listening to everyone bitch. Day in and day out – that was all everyone ever did, and that was about as exciting as his job was.

For the sake of the Gods, did he have 'Complaint Department' written on his door? For a moment, he wondered. Maybe he should check. He wouldn't put it past Rufus to actually change his job description without telling him. After all, the man had no respect for anyone and he slept with his sister. He also thought it would be best to make sure before he attempted to set anyone straight.

There was nothing that Tseng hated more than being wrong, and he quickly got up while Reno continued to complain and he looked at the label on his door.

No. It still read 'Director'. But Director of 'what'? Tseng suddenly wondered. It wasn't like there was anything to actually 'direct', and then he stared at the back of Reno's head and wondered how easy it would be to snap his neck.

Not only that, would he get away with it?

But then again, would he even care if he didn't?

_No,_ Tseng thought. He didn't think he would care, and at that, he sat back down at his desk and took another sip of his coffee before telling Reno that, "I haven't had sex in ten years. Do you have any idea what that's like?"

Well, no. Reno might have been caught a little of guard with that comment, but he didn't actually know what that was like. He had sex with Elena in Tseng's office just the other day – yesterday, actually. In fact, it hadn't even been twenty-four hours yet, and when Tseng realised that Reno was suddenly thinking and that he'd probably hurt himself if it got too complex, he slammed his coffee mug down on his desk and watched Reno grimace – it almost made Tseng smile.

_Just as I thought,_ he thought, _Hung over as usual._

He could have a little fun with that and then he got concerned when he realised how much the concept excited him, and he decided that he was going to hate Reno more than he hated Rufus. After all, Rufus never kissed him and ran his hands wantonly along his back, and the thought made Tseng involuntarily shudder when he realised that the thought of making out with Rufus was worse than the thought of making out with Reno.

Gods. He needed to stop thinking about making out with Reno.

It was starting to worry him.

"Maybe…" Reno started, before he fidgeted nervously at the intense glare in Tseng's eyes as they fixated on Reno's gun. _Oh to hell with it_ – Tseng was such an asshole and that was probably the reason why he never got laid for over ten years, and Reno was never really one for tact, and he blurted out, "Maybe if ya weren't such an ass, ya would've gotten laid by now."

_What? _Tseng thought, "You mean… Be… _nice?_"

"Well… it wouldn't hurt," Reno muttered, and then he sunk down in his chair. He knew that what he was saying was absurd. Tseng didn't have a nice bone in his body. He wasn't even sure if Tseng even knew what the word meant, and then he got concerned when Tseng simply stared off into space like he did the night he kissed him in the mansion.

It seemed funny then. But it didn't seem so funny now. In fact, that look was suddenly concerning Reno. _Gods, _Reno thought. He really hated it when Tseng went blank like that. It was so… odd.

_Be nice,_ Tseng was thinking. It was weird. It was like his mind totally went blank after that thought. Just simply considering the concept was like blowing a fuse.

But he _was_ nice… Wasn't he?

Didn't he threaten to cut Rufus' balls off only a couple of months ago if he didn't give the Turks a raise? And didn't he break the janitor's neck after pushing him down the stairs when he called Elena that word that almost made her cry?

Surely, Tseng was one of the nicest people he could think of. Why, just the other day, he kicked that kid into the river when he saw him take that other kid's bicycle – no one else would have done something like that.

The mere idea of Reno suggesting that Tseng should be nice was almost laughable. In fact, it was almost like a dam had burst and Tseng suddenly doubled over laughing.

He laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes.

Reno suddenly became concerned and wondered if he could escape before Tseng got even scarier, and Rufus stopped outside of Tseng's door and wondered what the hell that sound was.

It sounded like someone was laughing. But who the hell would be laughing like that in Tseng's office?

* * *

Back at the abandoned warehouse where the slug-like creatures were almost finished changing into their new forms, a tiny giggle echoed through the warehouse as a pretty pink skirt was finally completed and a long brown braid held by a pretty pink ribbon swung down towards the small of the back of the young woman who was standing there. She was pretty, she thought, and she stared at her pretty green eyes in the reflection of the broken glass and smiled at herself.

_Very pretty, _she thought, before the other creature who'd taken on the form of a man stood behind her and voiced her thoughts.

"Wow, you're pretty," he said, and she turned around to look at the blue-eyed man. He was good-looking. He had spiky black hair that was shoulder-length, intense blue eyes, and a well-built body with a holster over his shoulder that sheathed a very large and broad sword. His smile was charming and made him look even more handsome as her eyes trailed down his body while she prettily smiled at him.

_Nice muscles, _she thought, and then she punched him in the face for checking her out.

* * *

_Gods,_ Cloud thought, as he lazily swayed in the creaking loveseat in the back yard of the Seventh Heaven. He was still mad at Rude for being such an ass, and he was still mad a Sephiroth. He wasn't sure if he'd ever get over Sephiroth. The time they spent together was short, but it was the best time he'd ever had.

He almost smiled as he reminisced over the way it felt to hate that man; the way it felt to block his sword and to plunge his into him. He even liked it when Sephiroth plunged his own sword into him over and over atop the old Shinra Tower – what was left of it.

It felt so good, and remembering how they took turns sticking their swords into each other made Cloud happy, and he hated being happy. Gods. Sephiroth really pissed him off. That pasty-skinned freak was such an implacable asshole – Cloud read the word 'implacable' on his 'word of the day' toilet paper that morning, and since then, all he could think about was Sephiroth.

Then he crossed his arms over his chest and frowned when he tried to take his mind off of Sephiroth and started thinking about Rude and how much he pissed him off instead. He liked his dark skin though. Rude had really nice dark skin, and he might not have been as taunting or mocking as Sephiroth, but he was still an ass, and Cloud liked the fact that Rude was an ass. He also hated the fact that he liked that fact, and he kicked the rock at his feet and then cringed when it hit an old lady in the temple and knocked her out as she walked by the backyard.

_Damn_, Cloud thought, and then he got up and muttered, "Serves you right," while bitterly staring at her. After that, he loosened the bolts on Tifa's loveseat and went inside to get a glass of milk. Maybe if he was lucky, Rude would drop by again and he could piss him off some more.

* * *

"Wow," the auburn-haired male said as he sat in the abandoned warehouse and watched the silver hair continue to grow passed the other man's behind as the black leather coat unfolded and was almost complete, "How long is that supposed to get?"

Honestly? The man with the silver hair thought, and then he admitted that, "I have no idea." He was also starting to worry that he might have made a mistake and that it wasn't going to stop growing while the female with the red hair stood a few feet from them and cupped her breasts.

They were large breasts, and the auburn-haired male turned his attention to her. She looked nice. It was almost like she was wearing hardly any clothes and there was a fuzzy red train hanging loosely from her hips, and she had shiny red hair and pretty red eyes, and he looked down at his red coat and mused over their similarities. His clothes were like the man with the silver hair, but his coat was the same colour as the woman's clothes.

"Wow," the auburn-haired male said again as he watched her smile while she continued to grope her own breasts, "those are huge."

Yes. She knew that, and she liked it as she ran her hands over her breasts once more and then walked over to the auburn-haired male so that he could touch them too. They felt great.

* * *

"Okay… So let me get this straight," Elena said as she and Rude walked down the street towards the Seventh Heaven after their shift was finally over. It was a long day, and like every other day, it dragged on too long because there was absolutely nothing to do, "You want me to _kill_ Cloud?"

"No," Rude said, and then he adjusted his glasses and adjusted his tie while wondering why he said that out loud in the first place. He thought he was only thinking it and decided to blame his lack of inner dialogue on the fact that he couldn't sleep the night before and that his stomach was still upset.

True. He hated Cloud. But Cloud was about the only excitement in Rude's pathetic life, and Rude felt that without having Cloud around to constantly piss him off that he might wind up turning out like Tseng, and he shuddered at the thought while silently feeling sorry for Reno for having to spend the entire day with that ghastly looking man.

_Gods, _Rude thought. Tseng was such an asshole, and the fact that he was completely unaware of it made him even more of an asshole, and Rude never thought that something like that could be possible.

He used to think that Rufus was an asshole. But lately, Tseng was making Rufus look like a saint. In fact, Rude was almost starting to think that Rufus really might have turned into a saint.

Was it possible? Did Rufus actually change? Or did Tseng just turn so bad that Rude could no longer tell exactly how awful Rufus was anymore?

Then his stomach growled and he quickened his pace.

* * *

Tseng's stomach was hurting from laughing so hard and he wiped the tears from his eyes as he sat back into his chair again. Reno was so damned funny, he thought. All day long, that crazy redhead had said nothing but crazy things to him that made him laugh. Gods. He hadn't laughed like that in decades. Actually, Tseng couldn't really recall ever laughing like that and if felt good.

Yes. It would appear that when Reno didn't bother _trying_ to be funny that he came by it naturally.

_Be nice…_ Tseng thought once more, and then he chuckled again and muttered out, "Gods," while Reno continued to nervously fidget. Apparently, he'd spent the entire day unable to shake those words, "I'd love to find a way to take advantage of you."

"What?" Reno suddenly asked, and then Tseng suddenly wondered, _Did I say that out loud?_

No. Surely he only asked him if he wanted to go out for drinks after work.

"Drinks?" Tseng asked, and Reno uncomfortably nodded because he was a little scared while Tseng thanked the Gods that he didn't say the rest of what was going through his head out loud.

* * *

"Hm," Rufus muttered as he stared out of his office window and looked at the abandoned warehouse near the outskirts of town, "I really should have someone tear that down."

Then he sighed and looked at the street below while wishing he had the will to govern the world with fear again. But Tseng ruined that desire for him when he appeared to surpass him with a sheer nastiness that seemed to come by that ghastly looking man far too naturally, and Rufus was left with a sudden lack of desire to do anything other than eavesdrop and spy on people that he felt might add some spice to his day.

Instilling fear was nothing but a memory now, and an empty one at that. And he wondered if things would have gone this far if he didn't do what he'd been doing to Tseng in the first place.

_Could it be?_ He wondered.

Could it possibly be that the secret to being an asshole was so simple?

Then Rufus shuddered at the thought and hoped not. He wasn't sure if he could go for over ten years without sex as Tseng had been doing, and Rufus suddenly envied him even more.

* * *

"It feels good. Doesn't it?" the woman with the red hair asked as the auburn-haired male gently squeezed and massaged her breasts. Her voice reminded him of an accent from the last world they conquered – Earth? Was it? Yes, he thought – he was sure that it sounded like that Russian accent while he kneaded her breasts some more and she smiled at him. They were soft and firm at the same time, and she looked like a comic book vixen, complete with fancy swirls of armour over her scarcely clothed body.

She even carried a strange-looking weapon that reminded him of two curved swords pointing outwards. They were attached to a strange looking handle with a circular contraption that reminded him of a steampunk design.

Was she supposed to look like that though?

Then he wondered and stood up so he could take a better look at himself and viewed his cat-like eyes as they stared back at him. That's odd, he thought. He was sure he made no mistakes as he studied that cute little blonde's mind. In fact, he even ran a second scan on her when they passed her that morning, and he pulled a huge sword from the sheath over his back and stared at the ornate handle and the crimson blade.

_Shit,_ he thought. Then he looked at the silver-haired man whose hair was ridiculously long – down to his ankles – and he watched the other man pull out a curved sword that was like an over-sized katana. It was as ridiculously long as the man's hair – longer – and for a moment, he stared at the other man's chest since he wore no shirt.

It looked nice. But something was seriously wrong with what he was looking at.

* * *

"By the Ancients… I think I really like this one," Reeve said as he put the finishing touches on his new Sith and smiled. "You're much more efficient than your predecessor," he told it as he turned it on and smiled again. "There you go – the latest and greatest that technology has to offer."

After that, the Sith sputtered for a few moments and then its head exploded, and Reeve sighed while hitting the 'off' button on his remote. "Back to the drawing board," he sighed while Barret laughed at him and told him to give up.

He also started to worry that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to ask Reeve to fix his drill-arm. It used to be a gun-arm, but Barret had no use for guns anymore – he was a miner now, and a drill came in much handier.

It seemed like a good idea to get Reeve to give him an 'upgrade' as he traveled all over the world to find him, and it even seemed like a good idea when they both sat down and discussed it over breakfast at that nice little waffle house that just opened in the town's centre. But after watching the head explode on Reeve's latest invention when the man appeared certain that something like that would never happen, Barret wasn't so sure if it was such a good idea anymore.

So he changed his mind and wondered aloud, "What do you think about visiting some old friends?"

And Reeve decided that, "That sounds like a lovely idea," and completely forgot about the reason Barret came to visit him in the first place.

* * *

"All right! Listen up!" The girl in the pink dress yelled as she walked in on her three comrades at the abandoned warehouse and took a good look at each of them and wondered, _What the hell?_

Behind her, stood the black-haired man, and he smiled admiringly at her as she spat on the floor and lit the cigar she found on the ground and commenced to smoke it. Then she scratched her crotch and went on with her usual routine as to what they all expected from each other and that this planet should be easier to conquer than Earth.

"Unlike Earth," she said, "This place is in the shambles. They have no weapons of mass destruction and appear as though they're living in the aftermath of some prior calamity that they never recovered from – Piece'a cake, right?"

And they all nodded as she curiously looked at them again, especially the one with the silver hair. _Is he supposed to look like that? _She wondered. Then she shook her head and concluded that they'd never made a mistake before. Centuries upon Centuries of planetary take-overs and scanning the minds of passers by had always rendered accurate images.

So she shrugged and decided that it was time to get on with it while she continued to side-glance at him every so often.

_Seriously,_ she thought, _Who the hell were these guys scanning?_

Unlike her and the good-looking and well-proportioned man behind her, those three were completely… _off._

Well, except for the auburn-haired male. He looked all right. Or at least she thought he looked all right until she took a closer look at his eyes.

_A Cat's?_ she thought, and then she shook her head again.

Well, she reminded herself. They weren't on Earth anymore. In fact, there was no Earth anymore. They sucked that one dry, and even though they thought this world was similar, there was bound to be some differences and she sighed before she decided it was time for them all to figure out who they were supposed to be before they went about with their plans of world domination.

At that, she introduced herself as Aerith, and the man standing behind her was Zack – that's what the black-haired girl that thought of them called them in her mind. He was a good looking man, and she caught herself unconsciously checking him out again.

_Damn, he's hot! _she thought, and then she kicked him in the nuts for standing too close to her.

* * *

When Rude and Elena walked into the bar, a glass of milk was immediately thrown into Rude's face.

Cloud had been waiting. He waited all day for him and was starting to get pissed off over how long he'd been waiting. But he knew he'd eventually come, and like clock-work, he did.

_Yes!_ He silently screamed, and then he went to punch Rude in the face and missed because Rude saw it coming and ducked, and Cloud wound up clocking Elena instead.

_Shit!_ He silently cursed, and then Rude grabbed him by the collar and decided that he'd had about as much as he could take.

_That's it!_ Rude thought. Cloud had to die.

At that moment, Tifa went running to see if Elena was all right and she took her out to the back yard for some air. Then she sat her on the swinging loveseat before it went crashing to the ground and the overhead collapsed on top of her.

"Gods!" Tifa exclaimed. Why did stuff like this always happen? Then she wondered how the bolts popped out so easily as she tried to help Elena out of the tangled mess she suddenly found herself in.

* * *

"I'm gonna kill you," Rude darkly told Cloud.

Yes. He was gonna kill him. He really wanted to kill him. He wanted to kill him so badly that he didn't bother to move away from the door when Tseng swung it hard into Rude's back when he opened it.

"Gods," Tseng muttered, "Blocking the door like that is rude," as Tseng looked down and nearly chuckled, "Oh… Rude… Nice to see you."

Then he grabbed Reno by the arm and stepped over the big man. He figured that since Cloud was standing there that Rude and Cloud were probably playing another one of their stupid games and that it was best ignored. After that, he pushed Reno into a chair at a small table and told him to order two mushroom burgers with cheese before Tseng walked to the other end of the room and sat at a different table.

"Uh…" Reno uttered while feeling a little unsure of his predicament, "Sir?"

Did Tseng want him to stay at that table?

Why was he sitting at the other table?

_What the hell is goin on?_

"You'll stay exactly where I put you if you know what's good for you," Tseng darkly muttered under his breath as he stared at Reno like he was going to kill him in the worst of ways.

Yes. The farther away Reno was from Tseng, the safer he probably was, and then Tseng turned his attention to the back door as Tifa helped Elena walk back in and he noted the bruise forming under Elena's eye.

Did they get into another fight? Did he miss it? Oh, how disappointing Tseng's life was.

In fact, it was so disappointing that all he could think about was how in the hell was he going to get Reno drunk enough so that he could take advantage of him. Of course, he figured he'd have to get himself pretty damned drunk too, because there was just no way in hell he'd be able to do something like that if he was sober.

Gods. No. There was absolutely no way.

So he ordered two shooters for him and the red-headed male at the other end of the room and told the waitress to keep them coming.

* * *

When Rufus finally decided that he'd go to the Seventh Heaven after a long day of doing absolutely nothing and walked through the door, he took a look around and wondered why Reno and Tseng were sitting so far apart. He also wondered why Tseng had nine empty shot glasses on the table while he quickly shot back the tenth one and why Reno had only one that was barely touched. He also noted that Reno looked rather nervous.

He couldn't blame him though. If Tseng was looking at Rufus the way he was looking at Reno, Rufus assumed he might have wound up being just as nervous. Of course, he wouldn't have allowed himself to show his weakness. But then again, he wasn't Reno either.

Oh, how Rufus was filled with envy as he stood there and stared at Tseng as if he was star-crossed. The sheer and raw power that Tseng bared from his soul was revealed through nothing more than a vile and embittered glare that could take down a dual horn and turn it inside out with nothing more than sheer will.

Rufus almost wanted to shoot him right then and there. Then maybe, perhaps, he could steal that power and make it his. Then, maybe, he could regain his will to instil fear among the people like he once tried to do. Then maybe – just maybe – he could succeed where he once failed so miserably.

Unfortunately, Tseng was far too valuable to shoot, and Rufus found his way over to Tseng's table to sit across from him so that he could study and learn from the man.

Then he wondered why Tifa and Elena were sitting together at the bar, and he wondered why Tifa was paying for Elena's drink before he suddenly wondered where Rude was.

Tseng, on the other hand, wasn't interested in paying any attention whatsoever to Rufus. No. Hell, no. No one was going to stop him or get in his way as he continued to glare at Reno while ignoring the fact that Rufus' shoulder was partially in the way. Then he shot back another drink the moment the waitress placed it on his table and he cursed at himself for not feeling the slightest indication of intoxication.

He used to think that his inability to be affected by alcohol was a characteristic to be proud of. But at that moment, it was nothing but a curse, and at that thought, he shot a piercing glance at Rufus to suggest that the man was nothing but a nuisance and a thorn in his side, and then he turned his attention over to Elena and watched her squeeze a slice of lemon into her club soda.

He couldn't help but be irritated by it, particularly when he watched a stray seed pop out and gracefully float passed the ice cubes and through the fizzing bubbles to rest at the bottom of Elena's glass where it mockingly moved about. It was a pet peeve of Tseng's, and he watched her delicately suck the soda through the straw while stray bubbles subtly sprayed onto her doll-like face and the seed danced around at the bottom of her glass like it was taunting him.

_It's all your fault,_ he silently accused. If it wasn't for _her_, Reno wouldn't be fearing for his life right now and Tseng wouldn't be thinking whatever in the hell it was he was thinking – if only he knew what that was, and as he willed her to spontaneously combust where she sat, Elena took another drink and sucked the seed up with one swift motion before she started choking.

He knew it was wrong, but there was something incredibly erotic by the spectacle. There was something incredibly erotic by the way the seed spontaneously shot up through her straw and the way Tifa grabbed onto Elena from behind and jerked her back while lifting the little blonde's feet off the ground before a little seed flew out of Elena's mouth and bounced off the patterned mirror behind the bar.

It was like the world suddenly stood still.

* * *

_Cloud,_ Rude thought as he dunked Cloud's head into the dirty trough of water in the back yard one more time, _Two letters away from Clown… That's all you need… Yeah… That's right… _Rude thought, as he pulled Cloud up long enough for him to gasp for air before he dunked his head back into the water. _Then you'll have a name that would suit you… you know why that is? _Rude silently asked while he pushed Cloud's head farther – he was such a wash-out. _Because you 'are' a Clown… Yeah… That's right. And guess what… 'Clown'… I 'hate' Clowns!_

After that, Rude snorted and pulled Cloud away from the trough and decided that enough was enough. Then he called him a Clown and went inside to leave the little wash-out behind. But he stopped with his back to Cloud and wondered if maybe he was a little too harsh that time while he listened to the messed-up blonde choke for air.

At that moment, Rude pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He couldn't leave Cloud like that. Sure, some harsh words were spoken and some cruel indulgences were acted upon but…

Well, as soon as Rude turned around, his blood ran cold at the image that was standing before Cloud, and he wondered, _Where in the hell did he come from? _while Cloud choked out the question, "Sephiroth?"

"Hello… Cloud," the man with the silver hair purred as he stood with his back to Rude and stared down at Cloud.

And Rude yelled out, "Cloud!" as he acted on instinct alone and ran out to rescue the irritating little blonde.

* * *

Rufus was talking. That much Tseng was sure of, and as Rufus babbled on and on about whatever uninteresting topic he could possibly drudge up from that feeble little mind of his, Tseng rolled his eyes and shot back his fifteenth shooter and then snapped his attention over to Reno.

That seductive little redhead hadn't even touched his first drink. No. Instead, he simply sat there and looked like he was attempting to shrink into the background, and Tseng wondered, _since when did Reno ever shrink back from anything?_

Oh. That little Jemnezmy was playing with him. That much, Tseng was sure of. _Just look at him,_ Tseng thought to himself as Rufus' voice acted like a dizzying lull that drummed through his skull and Tseng wondered how in the hell that man could still be talking – _Didn't he ever tire?_

Then he wondered if Reno ever tired and shot back his sixteenth drink while barely noticing how the lights around him turned into nothing but a dizzying blur while Rufus continued to sing his droning melody as if it was a drill burrowing straight through Tseng's skull. Yes. He could even feel the vibration of Rufus' voice as the lights almost seemed to dance along with it.

Oh, how he hated that man. How he wanted to stuff something into his mouth and shut him up for good. He'd show him! He'd show him who the _real_ boss was, and at that, Tseng decided that he could take no more. Everyone was solely put on the planet to taunt him.

There was no doubt about it. They were all in on it together!

Oh, yes… Tseng was onto them – All of them!

And he got up from his seat without realizing that his self-control went out the window with his sobriety, and he walked across the bar with an intensity that made Reno shrink back even more than he already had, and then he grabbed Reno by the collar and yelled out, "This is what you get for kissing me!" and then he jumped on top of him and wrapped his hands around his neck so that he could choke the life out of that conniving, manipulating, and tempting little Jemnezmy.

_Did I miss something?_ Rufus wondered. Certainly, he must have missed something. After all, he certainly didn't see that coming. One moment, he was telling Tseng about his important plans for the next day and why he felt it was important for the world to relinquish religion, and the next moment, Tseng was on top of Reno and attempting to kill the man in public – so it appeared. But why?

_And what's this about a kiss?_

Rufus was confused and surprised, and it was such an odd feeling. He'd never been confused or surprised before, and now he was suddenly both. He was so unfamiliar with it that he wasn't exactly sure what he thought about it, or even what he should have been thinking about it. And then he wondered _if_ he should have been feeling or thinking anything at all about it. If only he knew what it was he'd suddenly fallen victim to then he'd know exactly how to deal with it, and up until that point in time, Rufus thought that he already knew how to deal with everything.

At that, he turned around and grabbed the next drink that the barmaid placed onto the table and he drank it. He was going to need some time, he figured. Yes. He was definitely going to need some time to figure out what this new and odd sensation was, and suddenly, the fact that Tseng might very well kill Reno in public didn't strike Rufus as that important. No. There were more important things to concern himself with, and at that, he placed his hands on the table in front of him and stared at the blank wooden wall ahead of him while Reno did his best to defend himself from the crazed Director.

"Why isn't anyone doing anything?" Tifa asked while Elena sat back and figured that now would be the best time to turn invisible. Like hell if she was going to get in Tseng's way. The man was obviously crazy. They'd all seen it coming. Of course, Tifa wouldn't know because she wasn't around him as much as they were. But Elena knew – Elena knew that Tseng was harbouring some sort of pent up animosity towards the world. She'd known for some time and she also knew that Tseng was going to wind up killing someone.

In fact, she suddenly wondered if they all weren't going to snap. It had been so long since any of them killed anyone that it was no wonder they were turning against each other, and at that, Elena turned around and openly cheered Tseng on!

She figured that it probably wouldn't hurt to get on his good side right about now.

Yes. She had to give it all she had, even if Tifa had to grab her and hold her tightly against her breasts again while the bouncers pulled the crazy Director off of her co-worker and tossed him outside.

* * *

Well! Tseng had never!

In all of his years, he'd never lost it like that, and he didn't know why as the dizzying lights outside caused him to stumble while the blurring motion of the cars caused a slight disorientation as he yelled at the bouncers while threatening to pull Tifa's liquor license.

Seriously! Whatever poison she was serving, it was out of control!

And then he giggled at them and pointed when both the bouncers stopped and turned to regard him in a manner that stated that they weren't afraid of him.

_Fools!_ Tseng thought. Ooh. They had no idea who they were messing with!

And damn that Reno!

Then he turned around and straightened his crooked jacket so that it was more crooked. After all, he was outside and couldn't allow himself to appear presentable. Shinra's image was at stake!

At that, the bouncers rolled their eyes and decided that they'd seen enough. _Every night,_ each of them thought, and they decided to ignore the drunken Turk as he stumbled forward and threw up onto the sidewalk. Actually, he threw up mostly onto his own shoes, but they didn't care.

They saw that type of spectacle nearly every night and were starting to get rather bored with it. Surely, there were better jobs out there. But no. They had to decide that being a bouncer was _cool_. Yet it wasn't. No. It was probably the most _un-cool_ job either of them had ever had, and one of them started wondering if leaving his career as a drag queen was really that great of an idea while the other thought that it was better than going back to prison – but only slightly.

"That's right!" Tseng slurred out as they walked away from him like they couldn't possibly care less. Then he muttered as he swaggered to the right while pointing at the lamppost to emphasise how little the bouncers had to worry about his insignificant threats, "Run like the cowards you are!"

After that, he turned and walked into a pair of huge breasts and smiled.

Finally! He thought. The Heavens were finally smiling upon him! And then he stood back and reached out so that he could grab them with both his hands and got knocked out cold.

* * *

At that moment, Elena slipped on an ice-cube and hit the back of her head on the bar, and once again, Tifa came to her rescue. Tifa was so nice, Elena thought. She was so kind as she escorted her up to her bedroom and sat her on her bed so that she could take a better look at Elena's head in private.

Then she said she needed to get some ice and left Elena there to study her surroundings.

She was so busy looking at the plain walls and the empty dresser that she didn't even notice the man in red standing near the window until the very last second, and the moment she met his cat-like eyes and smiled, she passed out.

"Gods!" Tifa exclaimed as she ran back in with a bag full of ice. She hoped Elena didn't have a concussion and she was so concerned about her as she crawled on the bed over top of her to check her eyes that she didn't even notice the other two figures joining the man in the red coat outside on her window's ledge. There was a very pretty girl with a pretty pink dress and a pretty pink ribbon in her hair to hold back the long pretty braid that her pretty brown hair was neatly pulled into.

Beside her, stood a very handsome man with spiky black hair that was shoulder length, and he had the most amazing blue eyes that the pretty woman couldn't stop staring at. He was so handsome, she thought, and she felt like decking him because of it.

But first matters were first, and they both set their focus on Tifa as Tifa glanced out the window and saw them right before she passed out over top of Elena.


End file.
